Feedback

Feedback

Kerry Patterson wrote in Crucial Conversations, “Respect is like air. As long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it's all that people can think about.”

I think that's an important place to start when we talk about feedback.

Respect is non-negotiable.

When both people understand that the other person has positive intentions and genuinely cares about the relationship, feedback has a much better chance of being productive. We may not always agree with what we're hearing, but when we trust that someone is coming from a place of respect and caring, we're more likely to stay open to what they have to say.

Kim Scott explores a similar idea in Radical Candor, where she describes feedback through two dimensions: how much we care about the other person and how directly we're willing to communicate with them.

I think both are important.

If we care about someone but aren't willing to be direct, we may actually be doing them a disservice. We protect ourselves from an uncomfortable conversation, but we also rob the other person of an opportunity to learn and grow.

On the other hand, if we're direct without caring, our feedback can feel aggressive or combative. The other person may become defensive, and once that happens, it's much harder for them to hear anything useful in what we're saying.

And if we don't care and aren't direct?

We avoid the conversation altogether.

We harbor resentment.

We complain to other people.

We gossip.

None of those things help the person we're frustrated with, and they certainly don't improve the relationship.

But when we can be direct and caring at the same time, something different becomes possible.

We can tell someone the truth while also making it clear that we're invested in their success.

Of course, there's a catch.

Even if we give feedback with the best possible intentions, we have absolutely no control over how the other person receives it.

This is where I think feedback gets really interesting.

Because giving feedback is only half of the equation.

How do we receive it?

When we're triggered or "below the line," it can be incredibly difficult to hear something that challenges our perception of ourselves.

And according to Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen in Thanks for the Feedback, there are three common triggers that can get in the way.

The first is the truth trigger.

This is when we immediately start looking for what's wrong with the feedback.

"That's not true."

"That's not what happened."

"They don't understand the situation."

Before we know it, we're building our defense.

But what if we tried something different?

Instead of asking, "What's wrong with this feedback?"

What if we asked:

"What's true about it?"

Maybe 90% of the feedback doesn't apply.

What about the 10% that does?

That's where the opportunity for growth might be.

Then there's the relationship trigger.

This is when our history with the person influences how we hear what they're saying.

Maybe we've had difficult interactions with them before.

Maybe we don't trust them.

Maybe we already believe they don't like us.

So when they give us feedback, we automatically assume the worst.

"They're just trying to make me look bad."

"They've been waiting for an opportunity to criticize me."

Maybe that's true.

But maybe it isn't.

What if, for a moment, we separated the content of the feedback from our feelings about the person delivering it?

We can evaluate whether the feedback is useful without having to decide whether we like the person giving it.

And sometimes, the feedback itself can give us an opportunity to look at the relationship.

Is there something about this relationship that I need to take responsibility for?

Maybe the feedback isn't the entire problem.

Maybe it's an invitation to repair something.

And then there's the identity trigger.

This one can be especially powerful.

Someone gives us feedback about one specific behavior, and suddenly our brain turns it into a statement about who we are.

"You're saying I'm bad at my job?"

"So you think I'm a terrible leader?"

"I guess I can't do anything right."

Have you ever experienced that?

Someone gives you a very specific piece of constructive feedback, and somehow your brain turns it into a referendum on your entire identity.

I wonder if part of the work here is simply learning to pause.

Take a breath.

Step back.

Look at the feedback for what it actually is.

One observation.

One behavior.

One opportunity to improve.

It doesn't have to become a judgment about who you are.

There's something else worth remembering.

We don't have to agree with feedback to learn from it.

We can listen.

We can ask questions.

We can consider what's true.

And then we get to decide what we want to do with it.

That's what makes feedback so powerful.

It gives us information.

What we do with that information is up to us.

As leaders, our ability to both give and receive feedback is pivotal.

And for most of us, neither side comes naturally.

That's okay.

Like any other skill, it gets better with practice.

We don't have to start with the hardest conversation we've ever had.

Find a low-stakes opportunity.

Ask someone for feedback.

Give someone a small piece of feedback that you've been avoiding.

Practice being both direct and caring.

Then notice what happens.

What low-stakes opportunity do you have today to start flexing your feedback muscles?