Where Do You Get Your Approval, Security, and Control From?

Where Do You Get Your Approval?

I wonder if we've become so accustomed to seeking approval that we rarely stop to ask where it actually comes from.

Think about the last time you shared something on social media. Did you find yourself checking back to see how many people liked it? Wondering what others thought? There's nothing wrong with that—we're human. But it does raise an interesting question:

Where do you get your sense of approval, security, and control?

I believe these are three of our deepest human needs. The challenge isn't that we need them. The challenge is where we look for them.

Psychologists often talk about something called a locus of control—the belief about where the control in our lives comes from. People with an internal locus of control believe they are the primary authors of their own story. Life won't always go according to plan, but they know they get to choose how they respond and the perspective they take.

An external locus of control feels very different. It can leave us believing that life simply happens to us—that our happiness, peace, and even our sense of worth depend on circumstances or people outside of our control. The truth is, most of us move back and forth between these two perspectives throughout our lives.

This idea doesn't just apply to control. It applies to approval, too.

If I'm constantly looking to other people to tell me I'm enough, I wonder if I've already decided that I don't fully believe it myself.

That's not an easy question to sit with, but I think it's an important one.

We often hand over our sense of worth to parents, friends, coworkers, managers, or even complete strangers online. The moment we do that, we also give away a measure of our peace because once we put ourselves out there, we no longer control how people respond—or if they respond at all.

So how do we begin shifting from external approval to internal approval?

I don't think it happens overnight. Like most meaningful things, it's a practice.

One simple place to begin is with appreciation. Most of us are incredibly good at pointing out our shortcomings. We replay our mistakes, focus on what we still need to improve, and overlook the qualities that already make us valuable.

What if we intentionally practiced something different?

At the end of each day, write down three things you genuinely appreciate about yourself. Not just what you accomplished, but who you were. Maybe you showed patience. Maybe you listened well. Maybe you demonstrated courage in a difficult conversation. Over time, those small moments begin to reshape how you see yourself because what we consistently pay attention to begins to influence what we believe.

Another question worth asking is this: Are you spending your time in alignment with your values?

When our work, relationships, and daily choices reflect who we truly are, something changes. We feel more grounded, more secure, and more at peace. Many people call this finding your "zone of genius"—that place where your strengths, passions, and values intersect in a way that serves both you and those around you. When we live from that place, external validation becomes less important because our lives already feel aligned.

Searching for happiness outside ourselves is a bit like chasing a mirage. The closer we think we're getting, the farther away it seems.

This is one of the reasons mindfulness has become so important in my own life. Not because meditation makes life easier, but because it creates space—space to slow down, to notice, and to hear our own voice before the world's opinions become louder than our own. Whether it's meditation, journaling, walking in nature, or simply sitting quietly for a few minutes each day, the practice matters less than the consistency.

Of course, this kind of work isn't always easy to do alone. Sometimes we need someone willing to ask us better questions—a trusted friend, a mentor, or a coach who can help us uncover the values, beliefs, and stories that have quietly shaped the way we see ourselves.

Maybe the goal isn't to stop caring what other people think. Maybe the goal is to care even more about what you think.

Because when your approval comes from within, your security is grounded in your values, and your sense of control comes from how you choose to respond to life, something remarkable happens.

You become freer.

Not because life becomes easier, but because your peace is no longer dependent on someone else's opinion.